Note: This article is meant for entertainment purposes only, and is not a guide to getting rid of evidence. If you have committed a crime please turn yourself in to the local authorities.
The best way to get rid of evidence is never to create any in the first place by not doing anything wrong. If you’ve already messed that rule up and have done something wrong and want to get away with it, you’re probably wondering what the best thing to do is. You definitely don’t have time to go out and buy all the seasons of the different CSI shows and have one heck of a marathon, and even if you did you’d realize that there’s not really a good way to get rid of evidence in today’s technological times.
Back in the day it was probably a lot easier, since they didn’t have sophisticated equipment to find all sorts of things that aren’t visible to the naked eye. Now it seems that no matter how hard you scrub those blood stains they still have a way of finding them. In the old shows and movies all a criminal had to do was give a quick wipe to whatever they didn’t want to have fingerprints on. But today they can find fingerprints all over the place. Another tried and true method was to wear gloves, but you’ve got to get rid of the gloves at some point and unless you put on two pairs of gloves you probably left fingerprints on the gloves when you put them on.
Best Way to Get Rid of Evidence: Burn It
One of the most tried and true methods of getting rid of evidence is to burn it. As the Joker says in The Dark Knight, “everything burns”. But crime labs are getting better and better at sifting through burnt rubble and piecing together all sorts of things you wouldn’t think they could figure out from a pile of ash. So burning things up is not as good of a method, but is still most effective. The only problem is that unless you’re a professional arsonist, you stand the risk of lighting yourself on fire, which might actually point you out as the perpetrator, thus defeating the purpose entirely.
Runner Up: Frame Someone Else
If you can’t get rid of the evidence, at least make it look like someone else did it. The best person to blame things on is the family pet. They can take the blame for all sorts of things, like a knocked over lamp, or getting into a fresh pan of brownies. The more serious the crime is, the less likely people will be to believe that an animal did it, but at least they might give you points for trying.
Honorable Mention: Listen to the Literary Greats
Taking a page out of Hitchcock’s notebook is a great way to learn how to get rid of evidence. Download some of his movies and you’ll learn all sorts of old ways to get away with stuff. For example, in one of his short presentations a woman is able to get away with murder by feeding the murder weapon to the detectives that come by to investigate. As it turns out she clubbed her husband to death with a leg of lamb, and then cooked the leg of lamb and asked the detectives if they were hungry. Talk about disposing of the evidence. The story was actually written by Roald Dahl and is called Lamb to the Slaughter.
But there are a ton of old school writers that you can get tips from, like Japanese author Hirai Tarō who wrote as Edogawa Rampo a nod to Edgar Alan Poe. He was pretty dark and twisted for his day. In one story he tells of a guy that tried to come up with the perfect crime by making it look like he was trying to help people, but was in fact trying to kill them, thus leaving only evidence that he was a good guy, when in fact he was the murderer.
If All Else Fails: Flee Town
One way that seems to still work is to just get out of dodge. If you can get out of state, or even better, out of the country, before anyone finds out what you’ve done, you stand a pretty good chance of starting a new life without any repercussions. That’s one of the most disturbing parts about life is that you never know if the people in your neighborhood are on the lam from something they did years ago. Old Mrs. Applebottom down the street could have been a serial murderer in her younger years and decided to set up shop on your block. But hey, chances are they just want to live a nice, peaceful life now, and they’ll leave you alone if you leave them alone.